Don’t Ask; Don’t Tell

People like questioning others’ activities, especially if they can take the higher moral ground in their conclusion. I was recently ruminating with a friend on how the topic of whether professional Dominants (aka Dominatrices) ever have sex with their clients is a “pink elephant in the room.” Amongst professionals (confidentially), some do and some don’t. However, amongst the less sexually savvy, there is a widespread belief (a blatant fallacy) that most Dominants do have sex with their clients. In fact, many lifestyle female Dominants consider themselves “stone,” preferring not ever to have “sex” (see below) with their submissives or bottoms. In the professional world, it’s more of a question as to whether you consider yourself a sex worker or doing sex work—even if you do not have “sex” with a client.  Clearly this argument begs the question as to what actually constitutes sex before one can begin to discuss whether a Dominant of either a personal or professional persuasion even has it.

Any woman who does what she wants when and how she wants it and gets her needs met is a Dominant.

I place the shackles on my submissive’s ankles, insuring that they are heavy, tight, and secure. Eyes cast down, wondering what’s to come, my little precious is sweating lightly. I take a leather-gloved hand and caress the body gently, taking special care to linger in the groin area. Arms bound behind the back, I hold them there from the rear with my left hand as I take my right hand and begin tracing the lines of the mouth. My sub opens the mouth, and I enter it slowly, feeling around between gum line and lips, pushing past the teeth. I forge ahead seeking the uvula, swishing it back and forth with my forefinger. My little sweet begins to gag slightly, and I smile. “Careful sweetheart, don’t choke, relax and open up the back of your throat.” The eyes are tearing up now, crocodile tears that I lean in to lick slowly from the cheeks as I place a second finger on the back of the tongue and gently press. My crotch pushes into the ass of my subject who groans as I grind. Two, three, six shudders, throat opening up, ass and groin pushing and pulling. I pull out while pushing forward, my little precious on the ground, the floor shiny and wet between the legs, both hearts racing, breathing imperceptibly as one. Is this sex?

I argue emphatically that it is. Any authentic erotic encounter that I have had—and I have had too many to mention—have encompassed that feeling of mutuality and oneness that sometimes, but not always, ensues with traditional male/female penile/vaginal intercourse, commonly called “sex.”

I used to shun the idea of having had sex after I had experienced spiritual/sexual exchanges. I remember once many years ago when a friend of mine made an offhand comment about the amount of “sex” I had; horrified, I sat back and said, “I don’t have that much sex!” In my mind, the sex was all about the connection, the rest of it was topping, helping out a friend in need, teaching someone the ropes, but not sex! I’ve revised my definition a little bit, but in all reality, my friend lumped everything I do into sex because ANY kind of sexually gratifying touch in her mind, was sex.

No wonder so many mainstream people think Dominatrices have “sex” with their clients, which is a pity. The current, and in fact age-old, pink elephant question is really IF Dominants can have the classic definition of sex with their submissives, or, in the case of professionals, with their clients. Once again, I’m going to go out on a limb and say, yes, they can. My definition of a Dominant woman may vary from the mainstream in that it is not as pigeon holed as the rest, but encompasses instead the bigger picture, which is: any woman who does what she wants when and how she wants it and gets her needs met is a dominant—even if she has classic sex and even if she’s paid for it.

The topic of sex, what it is, what it means, and how people do it still remain a formidable query. Suffice it to say that in the meantime, I am comfortable and happy saying that I have lots and lots of sex, which is by far more meaningful and salacious than any classic penile/vaginal missionary position. On the other hand, as a dear friend of mine and I always espouse, “Sometimes vanilla is my kink!” Case closed.